Breaking Point

Each of us has our "Breaking Point". Well, I hit mine today.

The whole point of this weight loss journey is so that I can be healthier. Healthier and happier, right? I've changed the way I eat and I've changed the kinds of things I eat. I'm losing weight and fitting into my clothes better. I should be happy, right?? So, why am I NOT happy?! I'm working on the physical aspect of becoming healthier, but I haven't been so much working on the emotional and spiritual side of things.

For a while now I have felt completely numb. Numb from the emotions of the day, numb from the spirit that guides me in my daily trials. I'm just numb. In Gary Chapman's "The 5 Love Languages" he mentions a top 3 daily requirement. That everyday you should sit down with your spouse and share 3 emotions or feelings of the day. This helps open the door to a better communicating relationship and also lets your spouse know where you are, how you're feeling, and if there is anything that they can do to help. It's provides a deeper connection. Spencer and I have always had the best of intentions to start this and keep at it, but lately I've thought, "If I were to sit down and pick 3 emotions from the day, what would I even say?!" Lately my response has been, "Tired, overwhelmed, and tired."

My book club recently read "Reading People" by Anne Bogel.  I found it hard to follow because I had never even heard of all these different types of personalities, but that's not the point. There was a section in her book that talked about Enneagrams. At the end of reading the book we all took the personality tests and I found out that my Enneagram is a Type 2. I am a very unhealthy 2. The reason I say that is because of this in the description:

"Because Twos are generally helping others meet their needs, they can forget to take care of their own. This can lead to physical burnout, emotional exhaustion and emotional volatility. Twos need to learn that they can only be of true service to others if they are healthy, balanced and centered in themselves."

In all my efforts to take care of my family, I have completely pushed my needs away to allow time for them. I haven't been allowing myself any "me time"; doing the things that I want, nourishing myself, and working on my emotional and spiritual needs. I have been so busy and overwhelmed taking care of my household's needs and my family's needs, that I haven't even given my needs a second thought. This is not helping me become a healthier me! Am I being selfish in wanting to take care of myself??? In wanting my needs and wants fulfilled??!!

When I got married and started to have kids, I signed up for this. I am a homemaker. It is my duty as a mother and wife to take care of my kids' and my husband's needs. All the time and effort it takes me to do all this, by the end of the day I am completely EXHAUSTED and I just tune out and become numb. This was my realization last night which led to my breaking point today and a pretty ugly morning this morning. I've been expecting my family to fill that empty void in me, especially my husband. How can I expect that void to be filled when I'm not doing anything to fill it? They can't do that for me.

This is where I'm at right now. I don't know what it is I need to do. I get out twice a month to do something I want to do, but that isn't enough. In order for me to be a healthier me, I need to make time for ME! EVERY. DAY. I don't see any other way. I just don't know who I am anymore because I have been numb for so long.

Today in church I gave the Relief Society lesson. (Relief Society is a class for just women 18 years and older.) A friend made the comment, "Who is the most important person in the home?" All of us naturally think the children, right? Well, she continued to say, "Without us, the parents, the children wouldn't even be here. So, who is the most important person in the family? We are." It was like she knew exactly how my morning went. I hadn't even said a word and she read me completely. She helped me see that I am important! That I need to take care of myself. I'm thinking, and praying, that as I start to take care of myself and my needs then the numbness will go away. That I will start to FEEL again.

I AM important. If I can't take care of myself, how can I expect to take care of my family?? An unhealthy me also makes for an unhealthy family. We can eat all the very best foods, be the ideal weight, have the best health results, and still not be healthy if we don't take the time to take care of ourselves. I don't know how I'm going to do this, but I HAVE to.